Then and Now

I'm a child of the '60s (and '70s). Most of the people I work with are too young to remember the stuff I often reference. Many of them were sleeping in cribs around the time I was in college sleeping off hangovers. So things like H.R. Pufnstuf, 12" GI Joe figures (with Kung Fu Grip), Astro Boy, and Freakies Cereal are all completely foreign to these people. I try to introduce some of the things of my youth to my kids. Like Count Chocula (which isn't the same anymore) or The Monkees. I got my daughter the complete Archies cartoons DVD for Christmas. She loves the comics, and I fondly remember those toons from the late '60s. They had the same footage of The Archies band for every song they sang. The problem is, sometimes things that I remember being really cool and fun when I was a kid, just did not age well. (The Archies are still kinda cool though, in a cheesy way. Sort of like the comics. The jokes haven't changed in 40 years). So, what I wanted to do was put together a list of things I loved as a kid and try to find today's equivalent of it.

For example, The Monkees are basically The Naked Brothers Band and Hannah Montana, only funnier and with better music (c'mon, songs written by Boyce & Hart and Neil Diamond, shows directed by Bob Rafelson, of Five Easy Pieces!) Seriously, have you ever sat through an episode of Naked Brothers or Hannah Montana? I have. It was like a knitting needle being shoved into each ear and through my eyes, piercing my brain with a nasty 'pop'. Poor writing, painful acting, amateurish direction, and repetitive, pseudo-pop crap music. Were the Monkees much better? Well, no, but they're definitely a whole lot more watchable. Sheer silliness for the sake of being silly. No annoying wise-mouth kids, and you didn't bristle at the thought of Davy actually kissing a girl.

H.R. Pufnstuf was basically a Barney for older kids, without the annoying songs that make you want to scrub your brain with a metal brush, (okay, some of the songs were bad.) plus some Teletubbie type characters, a kid with an British accent and his magic, um, "flute." I believe the same amount of drugs went into each episode of H.R. Pufnstuf as an entire season of Power Rangers.

Speaking of Power Rangers, how about Ultra-Man? The ultimate import from Japan, it was a dose of giant monster every frigging day. The difference between Ultra-Man and Power Rangers is that you never wanted to see Ultra-Man die a horribly painful death like you do every single one of those Ranger teens. Plus, there was no licensing juggernaut making billions off cheesy toys. I used to use a fat magic marker as the Beta Capsule when I played Ultra-Man. Oh, yeah, and you can see zippers of the backs of the monsters in both shows. Oh, those Japanese. Some things never change.

G.I. Joe was THE real American hero. And I'm not talking about those crappy little 5-inch figures from the '80s. I'm talking about the big 12-inchers. Because when it comes to G.I. Joe, size certainly matters. I remember them when they had plastic hair, then moved to the fuzzy buzz cuts and beards. They were tough, they had tons of accessories that were big and rugged. Today's boys have action figures that fit on keychains. Basically, today's equivalent of GI Joe is, well, there's actually nothing like him on the market. All the pansy-ass liberals made sure that kids get positive role models, not war mongers. Like Jamie Lynn Spears. Yeah, there's a positive role model for kids.

Freakies Cereal was like eating a bowl full of sugar frosted sugar with sugar milk and sugar on top for good measure. And they had the coolest characters. These little monster things that lived in trees. And the prizes were cool. Freakies magnets, Freakies pencil toppers, Freakies cars that ran on the air from a little balloon you attached to it. Today, they're taking sugar out of cereals. Kids need to eat Life or Cheerios. There are no cool little monsters on the box. And no cool toys inside. Oh, my dentist loved us...

Board games were actually fun, interesting ways to pass the time with your friends. You actually had to interact in real life, rather than with characters on the screen. Life, Mouse Trap, Monopoly, Clue...all great games I grew up with. And then Pong came along and changed the game playing field forever. Not to say that video games don't help hand/eye coordination, but when I was younger, I found other things to do with my hand. Like roll dice, for crying out loud.

I know, I sound like an old fart complaining about the how things aren't as "special" as they were years ago. Soon, I'll be yelling at the kids playing ball in the street. As if they actually do that anymore...duh.

I'm going to put on The Archies, sing "Sugar, Sugar" with a nice big bowl of the Cap'n. If only you could still get Quisp...