Miss Match: Part 3

Okay, I've been told that people really liked hearing about my suffering through insufferable dating experiences, especially those that originated through the whole online dating thing. (See blogs "Miss Match: Parts 1 and 2" from October) I want to say that I'm glad people enjoy my stories of dating gone wrong. I can also say that it's more fun writing about them than it was living through them.

But instead of giving you another long, miserable tale of just one date gone awry, I'll give you an overview of things I've experienced, so if you ever, God forbid, find yourself among the single and looking for a relationship online, you can take heed to these things. Consider this the "potpourri of dating mishaps, wigouts, annoyances and flim flams."

Someone smart once told me, "If it smells fishy, there are probably fish around." Good advice. In other words, if something doesn't seem quite right, you should go with your gut because more than likely, there's more there than meets the eye. Okay, I just explained a cliche with another cliche. So sue me.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have my faults. I can be a little insecure sometime, and I have hair on my back. But I consider myself a relatively normal, down-to-earth, hairy-backed person. And I know there's no 'perfect' person. But there's someone out there relatively perfect for me. At least that's what we all hope.

Remember, these are all things that I have experienced firsthand. For example:

• If someone is still active on the online dating site, even after a couple months of dating you, raise the red flag. Call me insecure, but to me, that probably means she's not as into you as you are with her. Hey, I'm just saying. I don't want someone to latch onto me and throw out all other options after the first date, but after several dates, you should know if you want to continue with this person and see where it goes. As my grandmother used to say, "shit or get off the pot." (did people really used to shit in pots? Maybe that's why granny's gravy always tasted funky.)

• If someone hasn't told their friends or family that she's dating someone, even after going out for a couple months, and spending weekends together, there are fish around. I always thought it was common girl talk to discuss who you're dating, where you met and how much you paid for that new pair of slingbacks, just as guys get together to fart and talk about their balls. I'm not looking to be the topic of conversation, but it's nice to know that the person you're seeing is interested in you enough to discuss you with those close to them.

• What the hell is with the texting? Look, I'm a writer. I spend most of my day tapping keys and making words. I don't mind a text or two here and there, but entire conversations? I'm not a 13 year old girl with her first cell phone. (Well, in certain chat rooms, I am, but that's another story.) Texting is nice to send a quick note, other than that, stop it. That goes for the whole IM thing too. As I said, I spend most of my day typing at a computer. Do I need to communicate that way too? I mean, the first couple of chats, fine, but if you want to get to know me, let's just talk on the phone, for crying out loud. brb! lol! UGH! ;-P

• I look forward to weekend getaways with that special someone. I think they can be fun and romantic. I look forward to getting asked to go away with someone. Maybe that woman says, "Hey, next weekend, I'm going to the mountains with my sister and her husband. Wanna come?" Sounds great, right? Sure. Just not on the FIRST DATE! Yikes. Even if the immediate attraction was there, that's a bit much. I mean really.

• I don't think a woman should down a beer faster than me. I'm not a big drinker, but I'm not ready to date Queen of the Keggers.

• Did you ever meet someone who is always looking slightly past you when you talk to them? What the hell is that? It's not that they're checking out something behind you, it's just that they don't look you in the eye. Seems a little autistic or something. I'm here, honey! Look into my eyes! Last I checked, I wasn't a horse with eyes on my temples.

I could probably go on with this, and I'm sure I will sooner or later. But this is a good overview on things to avoid when looking for a relationship, online or offline.

Gotta run. Someone texted me the Magna Carta.