Mandals.

Now that the weather is warmer, I see guys walking around wearing mandals (you know, men's sandals = mandals), their big finger toes out in the open, those hairy foot digits displayed to the world. And while I understand the desire to keep your feet cool in the hot weather, do I have to be subjected to them?

There are basically three places sandals on men should be allowed:
1. At the beach. And I'm talking about on the sand, by the water. Makes sense, right? It actually looks silly walking on the beach in anything other than sandals, or bare feet. Unless you're from South Philly, then white sneakers are okay anywhere.

2. Around a pool or in a sauna. Not that I've ever been in a sauna, nor do I have the desire to share a sweat with other guys. No, sitting in a steamroom with a towel draped over my naughty bits with a bunch of fat, clammy men is not something I have ever wanted to experience. But I can understand wearing sandals in there. No bare feet in hot rooms where men perspire. It's a good rule to live by.

3. In a movie about Jesus or ancient Egypt or something. For the sake of historical accuracy, I don't think Moses would have been seen parting the Red Sea in a pair of Italian loafers.

Other than those things, guys should be wearing shoes. It's pretty casual where I work, and some guys show up with sandals. I find it very disconcerting seeing your coworker's or boss's almost bare feet in a meeting. With those little leather toe g-strings between each digit. Kinda nasty. I don't mind women in sandals, of course. It just seems more natural. Not that I'm a foot fetishist or anything, but most women have pretty nice feet, especially when they put the nail polish on them like colorful little hats on each toe. Cute. On guys, not so.

I will never wear sandals anywhere but the beach, unless, of course, I get a bit part in the remake of "Samson and Delilah". First off, I don't want people seeing my feet. Secondly, people don't want to see my feet. And third, I don't want to see my feet.

Would I say that I have bad looking feet? I would. I have bad looking feet. There, I said it. I won't get into any details, because someone reading this may be eating corn on the cob or beef jerky or something, but let me just put this out there: Remember how Fred Flintstone would start his car by putting his boats out the bottom and running over gravel? My PT Cruiser may not actually require this kind of power, (not yet anyway, but soon) but by the looks of my feet, it might as well have.

Yeah, tough, leathery and just as big as Fred's. Yeah, I could wear the shoeboxes instead of the shoes.

So, no. I won't be wearing sandals. But even those guys who get pedicures and care for their feet as if they were newborn babies shouldn't wear sandals. Especially to work. Or the mall. Or restaurants. Or on the streets.

I'm looking forward to the fall, when the mandals get put away and feet get completely covered in leather or suede again. For now, I'm just gonna have to get used to looking up.