The Upside of Being Downsized.

I thought that nothing funny was happening in my life to write about. Which is probably why I haven’t posted to my blog in a few months. Which sucks, I know. I always seemed to have something to write about before. Then I kind of lost the wind in my blog sails. Then a couple funny things happened. My mother needed a new TV in her bedroom, which is actually more painful than funny. Then I got downsized. Funny, huh?

Now, if downsizing meant I dropped a crapload of weight, so my gut doesn’t hang over my pants, I’d say, “downsize me, till I look like Brad Pitt.” Unfortunately, as most of you know, what it means is that I got the “we can’t pay you anymore, thanks for everything” speech from my place of employment. Now, lots of people would be really pissed at the company, and I was told by many people that I should be angry. But, I understand that it was just business. I was being paid for doing nothing. The work wasn’t there. Sure, I’d have loved miling that cash cow for as long as possible, but I realize it’s just ain’t good business. And when the board of directors, who don’t know me from the woman who cleans the filet mignon stains off their gold-rimmed china, look at the billing compared to the payroll, they think, “Hey, we’re paying some of these people for doing nothing. We ain’t gonna let them milk that cash cow no more.” So, there I go, box of toys and paper clips under my arm, out the door. No filet mignon, no gold-rimmed china, and no more cash cow.

Sure, it was freakin’ scary. But, there’s no way I’m cutting off cable with the new seasons of Bizarre Foods and Mad Men starting. Screw that. So, I’ll stock up on ramen noodles, economy-sized packs of chicken wings and cut out the daily Starbucks Venti Mocha Chai Soy Skim Latte Frappaccino.

Thankfully, I made a lot of connections and while looking for a more full-time gig, I’m actually able to make a go at freelancing. I’m enjoying the freedom of working off-site, spending time in NYC, watching The View, and writing at Starbucks, while enjoying a Mocha Chai Soy Skim Latte Frappaccino. Only it’s just a Grande instead of Venti. Hey, we all have to sacrifice, right. There’s also something nice about earning a living for myself instead of helping any board of directors put another filet on the grill on the patio of their McMansion.

Oh, and yeah, I did say I watch “The View.” Honestly, I have gotten a better look inside women than most gynecologists. I’ve found that watching The View is like watching a bunch of slightly insane aunts bitch at each other over coffee after a big Christmas eve meal of gravy and seven fishes. Whoopi is the kinda cool know-it-all who you wouldn’t mind getting shitfaced with. Joy is the insane aunt who smokes too much and tries to fuck your friends. Barbara is the aunt who used to be hot, but now just tries any way to look good, but ends up looking really sad. Sheri is the cousin who thinks she’s funny, but really isn’t, so you pretty much ignore everything she has to say. And Elizabeth is the good-looking but dumb-as-a-bag-of -rice niece who married for money, pops out babies like gumballs and you just want to smack until she shuts her idiotic piehole. It’s great TV folks.

I’ve been able to work on things that I couldn’t while tied to a full-time job. Like my Facebook and Twitter acumen. I now find it funny when people post complaints about getting up on Monday mornings to go to work. Umm, consider the alternative, people! But even now that I have more time to spend on there, I refuse to participate in any of those stupid quizzes or games. Honestly, I don’t care what your stripper name might be, or what character from a Poison video you might be.

I realize those things aren’t the most valuable use of my free time, but give me a break. I need some kind of social activity in between the freelance, The View and the porn.

Spending time in New York has also been a huge benefit of being out of work. I love New York. (Hey, I should remember that…it would make a great campaign!) Being a writer-type in the city is incredibly inspirational. For example, I turned a corner on a street in the East Village to see a guy leaning against the wall with his hand down the back of his pants. He was standing perfectly still, like a statue with an itchy anus. Pure inspiration for a few reasons. I wondered what his story was, and maybe I could come up with some funny short fiction about him. Secondly, he inspired me to never wind up standing on a street against a wall with my hand down the back of my pants. I hadn’t thought of that before, but this gentlemen gave me the will to avoid it.

Of course, one of the negatives is that my mother knows I’m not actually in an office working, so she thinks that any time of day is okay to call and bitch about my brother not being able to take her to her cousin’s 50th wedding anniversary party, or to tell me that she needs a new TV for her bedroom. Which is another story altogether. Oh yeah, another negative is that I still have to provide for my kids and myself. Send contibutions to my attention anytime. I’m not that proud.

Actually, I want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who was incredibly supportive during those first few weeks and helped me get some footing in the freelance business. You all know who you are and remember, any act of kindness will be returned tenfold someday. (Okay, maybe two or three-fold, but I promise it will be returned. Maybe a beer and some free bar nuts.)

And so, now, as I sit on a Bolt Bus heading back to Philly after a few days in New York, I’ve thought of another benefit. Being able to write this.

And now that you read it, remember, I didn’t say it was a benefit to you…