My Bucket List is rather pail.

I'm at that point in my life where I've been thinking about all the things I want to do before I die. You know, like that movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman that was in theaters for about 35 seconds.

I know, 44 isn't that old, but my dad died at 60, and hopefully, age of death is not a genetic trait, but if it is, that gives me less than 20 years to do a bunch of shit that I've always wanted to do. It's not a crazy list, because I'm just not that kind of person. For example, skydiving, bungee jumping and generally anything else that can kill me is not on this list. Nor would it be on any list I ever make. Personally, I seriously just don't understand the thrill of doing something that could potentially end my life. Paratroopers over Nazi Germany in WWII had no choice. I have a choice, and I choose not to fall thousands of feet, a piece of silk tied to my back or not. I'm not planning on eating poisonous blowfish or swimming with sharks or walking through West Philly wearing a pointy white hood over my head. No, my things are all kind of boring actually. And that's just fine with me.

So here are ten things I hope to do before I'm planted 'neath the old oak tree. I could probably come up with more than ten, but, I'll topline for ya, just to make the whole idea digestible.


1. I could probably make a list of dozens of places I want to see before dying, but there are a few standouts. I will go to Italy. Sure, I could get on a plane and go, right? Not that simple. I have bills and kids. Not necessarily in that order. But I will get to the country that spawned pizza, great art and the DiMeos. And I'm not going to wait until I'm so old, I have to take the escalator when I visit the Spanish Steps in Rome. Oh, and England. Why merry ole' England? I like the way they talk. And maybe even France. I know, the whole ugly American thing they have for us, but jeez...Paris? Lautrec, Moulin Rouge, Amelie! Oh, and get back to Graceland. Thankya, thankyaverymuch.

2. Walk my daughter down the aisle. I hope to live that long. She's eight, so I'm guessing another 20 years before that happens. Okay, kind of a sappy thing, and there's all those psychological Freudian implications of handing my little girl over to another man. Things I never, ever want to even think about. But to see my princess dressed like one, and dancing with her at her wedding will be a hell of an emotional rollercoaster. Of course, I want to see my boy happy as well, which doesn't necessarily mean 'married."

3. Sing with a band. I'm talking, a big, Vegas-style orchestra. I'd do the whole black tux, scotch on the rocks, rat pack thing. Maybe swing some Sinatra or Bobby Darin. I've done the poor man's version, on a karaoke stage, and done the band thing for several years with my brothers. But nothing like a cabaret revue. "Swing it, baby..."

4. Get published. Seriously, soon. I've started a few kid's books projects, and have some illustrators who have expressed interest, so this one could actually happen soon. I have one book that's about a kid who is too fat to do stuff other kids do, but finds his real place in life...yeah, it's a bit autobiographical. Another one is about a little girl tormented by her own finickiness. Have I mentioned my daughter would live on macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets if we let her? Hmmm.

5. Find true love. I know, I'm a sappy wuss. Sue me.

6. Make the perfect pot of gravy. And for you non-Italians, I mean tomato sauce. My grandmother made a kick-ass gravy that no one has ever matched. My first wife made a really good gravy. My brother makes a good gravy. I make shit. And the problem is, there's no real way to learn it, because it's all trial and error. There's no careful measurement of ingredients, there's no heat level or secret stirring technique. It's a pinch of this, some of that, turn up the heat, turn down the heat, cover it, don't cover it. One thing I have learned is how to make store bought sauce tolerable. Maybe I'll share that with you sometime. But it's just not the same as the homemade stuff. Now, I want ravioli.

7. Learn to swing dance as good as my dad. He was Mr. Rubberlegs. It was a spectacle to watch. The upper half of his body was smooth and straight, while his legs would whip around the dancefloor like a tornado. He could spin his partner, twirling her like a dervish, and pull her back into his arms like nobody's business. I watch movies like "Swingers" and the urge hits me again. I want to dance like that. Thankfully, I did get some of my dad's finesse, but it's the moves that elude me. Anyone have the number for Arthur Murray?

8. Go to a real movie premiere. Red carpet, celebrities, paparazzi, the whole glittery, Hollywood, spotlight cheeseball thing. And hopefully it won't be some crappy movie. I'm just a sucker for this kind of thing. God, I'm such a friggin' geek.

9. Find Nicole Brown Simpson's real killer. Oh, wait, sorry. That's O.J.'s list.

9a. Own a really nice car. I'm not that into the big showy automobile thing, but most of my cars have been used, or small, or a minivan. I just want to own something that I really love and feel comfortable driving. I'm not talking expensive. It doesn't need to be a Mercedes or a Jag, and definitely not one of those big SUV glacier-killers, just a car that's me.

10. I want to wake up, feel completely comfortable in my life. Not worry about money, health, or work. Now THAT would be something that would allow me croak happily. Hopefully both not on the same day. I've heard stories about guys that die the day after their retirement. My dad was just starting to really enjoy life when he was diagnosed with cancer. Not for me, thanks.

So, maybe now I can start getting to work on some of these things. Right after I do number 11 on the list, which is to stop procrastinating.