Fat Squirrels and other distractions.

I may have mentioned before that I take walks in the morning. Well, I try to. Usually three or four times a week, for 40-45 minutes or so. I do it first thing in the morning because after work, I usually feel like that saying, "my get up and go has done got up and went." It's basically my exercise regimen, since I just can't bring myself to join a gym. The whole financial commitment doesn't sit right with me, and the thought of a locker room with naked guys walking around is just gay. Put a bunch of guys together anywhere, and if they're naked, it seems gay. I don't care where it is. It's just weird and I don't do it.

Anyway, it was a nice, crisp, Fall-type morning, so walking was a pleasure. I walk around a local park that's a city block square, one of the only tree-lined areas you'll find in South Philly. Most streets in South Philly don't have trees. but that doesn't stop dogs from finding places to pee and poo. I don't wear earphones, because I don't have an iPod. I know, I'm technologically impaired in that sense. But that's okay, because I like the fact that my mind can wander a bit and I often get good ideas while I'm walking.

This day, however, I couldn't get focused. The reason? Too many squirrels. They were everywhere. There are usually several here and there, but for some reason, the squirrels were out in full force. They must sense winter in the air, and they're doing their collecting before hibernating, because the little furry-tailed rodents were freakin' everywhere I stepped. And not just squirrels, but fat ones. Plump, grey John Goodman squirrels who were not going to let me get in their way of finding more nuts to forrage. I had squirrels playing "Chicken" with me as I walked down the sidewalk. They were coming at me, I was coming at them, and it didn't matter that I towered over them, they were coming straight at me. Who was going to sidestep? Would it be the fat tree-dwellers or the chubby dago in sweats?

As I said, with all this squirrel-related dodging going on, I couldn't get a good line of thinking. So my mind wandered. Here are some of the random thoughts I had in between squirrel attacks:

• I heard an actress the other day on the radio talking about how nice a guy Will Smith is. There's something I don't get. If I had his fame and fortune, I'd be the happiest son-of-a-bitch in the world. I'd be pissing rainbows and burping sunshine. Everybody would be going on and on about how nice a guy I am, and I'd say, "Look at my money and fame! Of course I'm a nice guy. Why should I be an asshole?"

• Who the hell is Rihanna? I heard that painfully awful "Umbrella" song once and I wanted to stab my ears with a ball-point pen. Does she really need to be made into a mega-superstar for that?

• I wish my goatee wasn't so rough and pinchy. What kind of conditioner can I use on my facial hair to make it as smooth as the fur on those goddamn squirrels I'm almost stepping on!

• I don't play the lottery, but if I did, and I won, I'd probably win like $250,000, which, according to statistics, would spoil my chances at winning the really big $10 million plus jackpot. Because if I was ever that lucky to win, I wouldn't be THAT lucky.

• Are these squirrels coming at me going to get the hell out of my way?

• Damn, my shin hurts.

• My mother just turned 70. I wonder what that feels like. I wonder if I'll get to see firsthand what that feels like.

• What does squirrel stew taste like?

• I used to like Billy Joel. What the hell happened to him. I saw him in concert like eight times, had every album he made, knew all his songs, and then one day, I just moved on. Now, I can't listen to his stuff. It really gets on my nerves. So, I guess it's good that he's not making music anymore. Because I might feel bad and buy his new CD since I have all his other stuff. Oh well, guess that saves me $15.99.

So, I approached the squirrels, closer and closer, and they approached me, looking at me with their beady little eyes, just like their sewer rat cousins. So who would win this game of chicken? Would I have to sidestep, breaking my steady stride, to get around them, or would they finally scatter a millisecond before I stomp on them? Who would win...

Damn squirrels. I hear they carry rabies.